FEBRUARY 24, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pope Francis Addresses Sex Abuse Crisis. Impact: If only Pope Francis had decided to change church law instead of just talking about it, we might have avoided a future where people start confusing the Vatican for a TED Talk venue.. Fact: Did you know that the Catholic Church's history is essentially a soap opera with more plot twists than a daytime drama? Spoiler alert: the drama is real..
• Headline: Pompeo Faces Global Challenges and Criticism. Impact: Pompeo's loyalty to Trump might just lead to a future where every Secretary of State is required to wear a 'Team Trump' jersey. Can’t wait for the merchandise!. Fact: Did you know that loyalty in politics is about as real as unicorns? It’s mostly a myth, but the merchandise could be fantastic..
• Headline: China's Tech Firms Fight Swine Disease. Impact: Mapping pig faces could lead to a future where pigs become the new celebrities, eclipsing humans in popularity. Imagine a reality show called 'Keeping Up with the Pigs'!. Fact: Did you know that pigs are considered so intelligent that they could probably run for office? At least they’d have better PR skills..
• Headline: Oscars 2019: ‘Green Book,’ Rami Malek and Olivia Colman Are Winners. Impact: The Oscars are like the Super Bowl for movies, but if they keep awarding films like 'Green Book', we might end up with a future where every movie is just a rehash of a feel-good story.. Fact: Did you know that the real winners of the Oscars are the after-parties? Because who doesn’t want to eat overpriced hors d'oeuvres while pretending to care about acceptance speeches?.
• Headline: In Conservative Districts, Democrats Have to Answer for Party’s Left Wing. Impact: As Democrats squabble over their identity, we might very well see a future where party platforms are replaced with reality TV-style debates. 'Who wore it best: moderate or progressive?'. Fact: Did you know that political parties are like family gatherings? Everyone pretends to get along until someone brings up the last election..