FEBRUARY 10, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Adam Ottavino’s Pitching Oasis Revealed. Impact: If Ottavino had never built that pitching oasis, we might have seen a butterfly effect where the Yankees never won another World Series, leading to a decades-long curse and the rise of a new baseball cult dedicated to the worship of goats.. Fact: Building a pitching oasis sounds great until you realize it's just another term for a backyard BBQ with more baseballs than burgers..
• Headline: Republicans Capitalize on Venezuelan Crisis. Impact: This moment may have sparked a new political trend where Venezuelan Americans became the newest trendsetters in Republican fashion, leading to a bizarre influx of 'Make Venezuela Great Again' hats in Miami.. Fact: Political shifts are like fashion trends; they change faster than you can say 'I miss my avocado toast!'.
• Headline: The Mysterious Disappearance of Princess Latifa. Impact: The disappearance of the princess might inspire a global movement of royal escapees, leading to a new reality show: 'Escape from the Palace,' where viewers root for the rich to ditch their palatial prisons.. Fact: This is why we can't have nice things—because royal abductions lead to too many reality TV deals..
• Headline: Talks Over Border Security Break Down, Imperiling Effort to Prevent Shutdown. Impact: If talks had succeeded, we might have seen a dystopian future where ‘border security’ became a hip new tech company, selling smart beds for detained migrants, because who doesn’t love a little irony?. Fact: Negotiations breaking down is basically the political equivalent of trying to assemble IKEA furniture without the instructions..
• Headline: Cryptocurrency Was Their Way Out of South Korea’s Lowest Rungs. They’re Still Trying.. Impact: The failure of a generation to get rich quick through cryptocurrency could lead to a nostalgic revival of the 90s 'get rich schemes,' but with fewer beepers and more memes.. Fact: Calling themselves 'dirt spoons' is quite a leap; I think my childhood was spent as a 'plastic fork' in the social hierarchy..