FEBRUARY 2, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump Properties Terminate Undocumented Workers. Impact: When undocumented workers were let go from Trump properties, it created a ripple effect that led to a nationwide debate about immigration. This caused a group of highly caffeinated millennials to start a podcast series titled 'Jobs for Everyone (Except Trump)', which led to a massive increase in coffee consumption among the youth.. Fact: Did you know that the irony of Trump's anti-immigrant rhetoric while employing undocumented workers wasn't lost on anyone? It's like a chef criticizing fast food while secretly working at McDonald's..
• Headline: Controversial Legal Graduate's Dark Past. Impact: The moment this guy graduated from an elite law school post-murder, a new trend in law school admissions began: background checks became a hot topic. Suddenly, every law school was required to ask if you had ever committed homicide, leading to a spike in applicants claiming they had only ever 'accidentally' run over someone's pet.. Fact: Fun fact: The law school’s motto 'Justice for All' is now often followed by 'Except for the Murders' in hushed tones around campus..
• Headline: NFL Retirees Face Opioid Addiction Struggles. Impact: The opioid crisis among N.F.L. retirees not only sparked a national conversation about addiction but also inadvertently led to the rise of 'Painkiller Olympics,' where athletes compete to see who can endure the most without medication. Spoiler alert: it’s mostly just a lot of crying.. Fact: Did you know that the N.F.L. stands for 'National Football League,' and not 'No-Fun League'? Because apparently, they forgot to include 'fun' in their post-retirement plan..
• Headline: Japan’s Working Mothers: Record Responsibilities, Little Help From Dads. Impact: As Japanese working mothers continue to juggle record responsibilities, their plight attracted the attention of global feminists, leading to a worldwide movement called 'Dads, Step Up or Step Aside!' This sparked a series of awkward family meetings where dads were forced to confront their laundry skills.. Fact: Did you know that in Japan, the term 'working mother' often translates to 'superhuman'? Because apparently, juggling work, home, and a social life is just a casual Tuesday for them..
• Headline: Julia Cameron Wants You to Do Your Morning Pages. Impact: Julia Cameron's push for morning pages led to a dramatic increase in coffee sales and a worldwide shortage of notebooks, as people rushed to document their 'deepest thoughts' while still half-asleep. Somewhere, a tree is crying.. Fact: Did you know that 'morning pages' are just fancy words for 'write down your existential dread before breakfast'? It's like therapy, but with more caffeine and fewer credentials..