JANUARY 13, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Challenges in Muting R. Kelly's Influence. Impact: R. Kelly's ongoing saga could lead to a future where music industry contracts include a clause about proper behavior—imagine a world where artists actually have to act like decent human beings. Shocking, I know!. Fact: Did you know that R. Kelly once claimed he was 'the Pied Piper of R&B'? Turns out, he might just be the piper leading everyone down a dark rabbit hole instead..
• Headline: Trump's Battle with Congress Intensifies. Impact: If Trump had successfully maneuvered the political war, it could have set a precedent for future presidents to engage in gladiatorial combat with Congress, leading to a bizarre reality show where political debates are held in a coliseum. Ratings would have been through the roof!. Fact: Did you know that political wars are a lot like actual wars, but with more tweets and fewer tanks? Who knew fighting for survival could be so… tweetable?.
• Headline: Ocasio-Cortez Pushes Democrats to the Left, Whether They Like It or Not. Impact: Ocasio-Cortez's push could lead to a future where every political party is forced to adopt a vegan, eco-friendly platform, resulting in debates about plant-based policies rather than actual policies. Who knew politics could get this crunchy?. Fact: Did you know that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is often referred to as AOC? It stands for 'Always Overcoming Conservative'—or at least that’s what I’m going with for dramatic effect..
• Headline: Stung by Florida Midterm Losses, Democrats See a Swing State Drifting Away. Impact: If Democrats had flipped Florida back to their side, it might have led to an influx of 'Florida Man' stories being rebranded as 'Florida Democrat' stories, forever changing the landscape of bizarre news headlines.. Fact: Did you know that Florida is often called 'the Sunshine State'? Turns out, it might soon be known as 'the State of Political Tantrums' instead..