JANUARY 7, 2019

Full News Archive

• Headline: Arrest in Jazmine Barnes Case Clarified. Impact: The arrest in Jazmine Barnes's case might have inadvertently sparked a trend of people developing more precise methods of identifying suspects, leading to an increase in the popularity of forensic podcasts. Now everyone thinks they’re a detective—thanks, true crime!. Fact: Fun fact: The real crime is how much time we spend binging true crime shows instead of solving actual crimes. Maybe we should just hire Netflix..
• Headline: Border Crisis: Smugglers Thrive on Despair. Impact: As the despair of migrants grows, the smugglers probably start considering a new line of work—like opening a travel agency, where they offer 'adventure packages' that include thrilling border crossings. Because who doesn’t love a good 'survival of the fittest' vacation?. Fact: Did you know that the term 'polleros' literally translates to 'chicken farmers'? Because nothing says 'I care about your safety' like being smuggled in a coop!.
• Headline: The Golden Globes Sets the Thermometer to Warm. Impact: The Golden Globes’ attempt to 'stay out of trouble' might lead to the invention of an award for the most boring acceptance speeches. This could spiral into a new genre of entertainment where silence becomes the new gold.. Fact: Did you know that the Golden Globes are basically the Oscars' slightly less glamorous cousin? You know, the one who shows up to family gatherings in sweatpants..
• Headline: Alabama’s Toughest Competition Might Be Its Second String. Or Its Third.. Impact: Alabama's competition issues could have set off a chain reaction of other schools hiring motivational speakers who specialize in 'being second best.' This could lead to an entire generation accepting mediocrity as the new standard.. Fact: Did you know that in Alabama, even the benchwarmers are likely in better shape than most of us? They’re basically the Avengers of college football, just without the screen time..