DECEMBER 18, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Goldman Sachs Faces 1MDB Fraud Charges. Impact: Little did Goldman Sachs know that their involvement in the 1MDB scandal would lead to a future where every Wall Street banker has to wear a tinfoil hat to deflect the 'conspiracy theories' about their ethics—while also making them prime candidates for a new reality show: 'Who Wants to Be a Compliant Banker?'. Fact: Did you know that all this drama could have been avoided if they just invested in something less risky, like Beanie Babies?.
• Headline: Tech Giants Critiqued for Russia Data Withholding. Impact: If only Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube had shared that data, we might have avoided a future where memes are considered legitimate news sources and conspiracy theories are more popular than actual science. Thanks, social media!. Fact: Surprise! If tech companies had been more open, they could have saved us from the 2020s being a never-ending episode of 'Black Mirror.'.
• Headline: Self-Driving Tech Expands to Grocery Delivery. Impact: The toaster on wheels might have led to an alternate timeline where humans become obsolete and household appliances start taking over the world, forming their own government called 'Toasterlandia.' Good luck getting your groceries there!. Fact: In a shocking twist, the first laws in Toasterlandia will likely be about bread safety and the proper way to deliver avocado toast..
• Headline: The Earth’s Shell Has Cracked, and We’re Drifting on the Pieces. Impact: As the Earth's shell continues to crack, future generations will be left wondering if we were living on a giant, slowly drifting jigsaw puzzle. Who knew climate change came with a side of existential dread?. Fact: Fun fact: The last time the Earth cracked this much, it was called the Great Continental Breakup—also known as my last relationship..
• Headline: ‘Not Hiding My Disgust’: Judge Rebukes Flynn, Then Delays Sentencing. Impact: Flynn's sentencing drama will serve as a cautionary tale for future political advisors: when in doubt, don't lie. This event will echo through time like the ghost of bad decisions past, haunting future administrations.. Fact: Interestingly, 'Not Hiding My Disgust' is also the title of the memoir every judge wishes they could write after sentencing political figures..