OCTOBER 26, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Elaine May Shines in 'Waverly Gallery' Revival. Impact: If Elaine May breaks your heart, just imagine how many hearts across time were shattered by her performances! This led to the creation of support groups for heartbroken theatre-goers, forever altering the fabric of emotional recovery in the performing arts. Fact: Did you know that people have been crying at the theatre since ancient Greece? They didn't have tissues back then, just the occasional goat to wipe their tears on!.
• Headline: Seinfeld on Comedy's Changing Landscape. Impact: Seinfeld's commentary on his peers caused a ripple effect of comedians self-reflecting, leading to the Great Comedy Purge of 2025 where only the cleanest of jokes were allowed. The punchlines were so sanitized, they could've been marketed as antibacterial. Fact: Did you know that comedians telling clean jokes is the comedy equivalent of a cat wearing a bow tie? Adorable, but does it really change anything?.
• Headline: A.I. Is Helping Scientists Predict When and Where the Next Big Earthquake Will Be. Impact: The rise of AI in earthquake prediction resulted in a new career path for overconfident techies who now claim they can sense tremors before they happen. Spoiler: they mostly just try to sell you overpriced apps. Fact: Did you know that before AI, scientists used to just guess when an earthquake might happen? They'd be like, 'Maybe today? Or tomorrow? Who knows!' Talk about living on the edge!.
• Headline: Jersey City Grows Up. Impact: As Jersey City matured, it became a trendsetter for nearby towns, sparking a gentrification wave that made it the go-to place for hipsters looking for artisanal pickles and overpriced lattes, forever altering the landscape of suburban coolness. Fact: Did you know that Jersey City is the only place where the phrase 'growing up' can mean moving from a studio apartment to a bigger studio apartment? Ah, the American dream!.