OCTOBER 17, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Stockard Channing Shines in Apologia Review. Impact: If only Ms. Channing knew that her portrayal as a conflicted mother would inspire future generations to bypass therapy and just write one-woman shows instead. The therapy industry is still reeling.. Fact: Did you know that 'Apologia' means 'a formal defense'? So basically, it's just a fancy way of saying, 'Sorry, I raised you to be like this.'.
• Headline: Tiffany Haddish's Pursuit of Success. Impact: Thanks to this metaphor, every aspiring comedian now thinks they can season their careers with a pinch of humor and a dash of resilience. In the future, expect career advice to be served with mashed potatoes.. Fact: Fun fact: Tiffany Haddish's career really is as juicy as a roasted chicken, and just like chicken, it’s best served hot. Get it while it’s fresh!.
• Headline: Caroll Spinney Retires as Big Bird. Impact: With Mr. Spinney's departure, children everywhere will be forced to face the harsh reality that their beloved Big Bird is actually just a tall guy in a costume. This revelation may lead to a nationwide crisis in childhood innocence.. Fact: Caroll Spinney not only voiced Big Bird but also Oscar the Grouch, proving that he could embody both the sunny and the grumpy sides of life. Talk about range!.
• Headline: Why White Supremacists Are Chugging Milk (and Why Geneticists Are Alarmed). Impact: This bizarre milk-drinking trend may very well lead to a future where dairy cows are viewed as the ultimate weapon in the culture wars. Who knew the dairy industry would become part of a racial identity crisis?. Fact: Milk has long been touted as a health drink, but this just goes to show that you can’t always trust who’s drinking it. Remember, folks: not all milk drinkers are created equal!.
• Headline: The Public Student Loan Forgiveness Rescue Hasn’t Gone Well So Far. Impact: This financial fiasco will eventually lead to a new generation of public servants who will wonder if 'loan forgiveness' is just a myth, like Bigfoot or affordable housing. The bureaucratic maze is destined to become an Olympic sport.. Fact: Did you know that applying for loan forgiveness is often compared to winning the lottery? Except the odds are worse, and the prize is just freedom from debt, not a million dollars..