OCTOBER 9, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump Responds to U.N. Climate Warning. Impact: If Trump had taken climate change seriously, perhaps Miami's beaches wouldn't be hosting more swim-up bars for sharks than tourists by now. Imagine the conspiracy theories about mermaid sightings!. Fact: Did you know that while climate warnings were ignored, Florida's alligator population was busy auditioning for reality TV shows? Because who needs science when you have reptiles with personality?.
• Headline: Sarah Jessica Parker's Boutique Venture. Impact: Sarah Jessica Parker working in a shoe store could have sparked a new trend of celebrity side-hustles, leading to a future where every Hollywood star is a barista, and coffee shops turn into A-list hangouts. Starbucks might need bouncers!. Fact: Did you know that SJP's shoe boutique sells more than shoes? Rumor has it they also sell the dreams of aspiring actresses who thought they'd be famous by now!.
• Headline: West Virginia’s Small-Town Revival. Impact: West Virginia’s small-town revival might inspire a reality show where city folk discover the ‘wonders’ of country living, leading to an influx of hipsters trying to buy up all the cornfields and renaming them 'artisanal grain gardens.'. Fact: Did you know that the term 'small-town revival' is just code for 'let's slap a craft beer label on anything and hope it sells?' Cheers to progress!.
• Headline: Why Some Amazon Workers Are Fuming About Their Raise. Impact: The outrage over Amazon raises could lead to a new wave of worker activism, inspiring warehouse workers to start a 'raise revolution' that ultimately forces Jeff Bezos to consider opening a 'Warehouse Worker Rights' section in his next space station.. Fact: Did you know that Amazon’s idea of a raise is like getting a participation trophy? Everyone’s happy until they realize it doesn’t come with actual money!.