OCTOBER 5, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Grievance Studies Hoax Revealed. Impact: Little did they know, the academic world would be turned into a circus tent, where professors would juggle fake studies to distract from their own lack of real research. This scandal led to an increase in actual critical thinking, but only after everyone realized they had been duped by 'Breastaurants' and 'Dog-Park Sex' papers.. Fact: The act of publishing fake journals was so effective that it inspired a new genre of 'academic satire', which is just a fancy way of saying 'let's see how ridiculous we can get before they catch on.'.
• Headline: EU's Trade System to Bypass Iran Sanctions. Impact: The EU's crafty plan to evade sanctions sparked a secret society of diplomats who meet in basements, discussing how to outsmart the big bad US. This led to a new trend of 'sanction evasion' parties, where they toast with drinks made from sanctions-free ingredients.. Fact: In a surprising twist, it turns out that trying to dodge sanctions is a lot like playing hide-and-seek; eventually, someone just gives up and yells, 'You found me!'.
• Headline: Historic Low Unemployment in America. Impact: The lowest unemployment rate since 1969 was a double-edged sword; on one hand, everyone was employed, but on the other, it meant that coffee shop lines got longer as everyone suddenly felt the need to express their existential dread over a latte.. Fact: In 1969, the last time unemployment was this low, people were more concerned about bell-bottoms than job security. Some things never change..
• Headline: New York’s New Strollervilles. Impact: As young families flock to 'Strollervilles', urban planners began to realize that their original design for cities was too boring. Thus began the era of 'Stroller Infrastructure', with ramps, parks, and cafes designed specifically to accommodate both toddlers and their exhausted parents.. Fact: If you think about it, the rise of Strollervilles is just urban planning's way of saying, 'Welcome to adulthood, where you can now push a stroller instead of a shopping cart.'.