SEPTEMBER 15, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dallas Officer Shoots Neighbor in Apartment. Impact: In an alternate timeline, this shooting sparks a nationwide shift in police training methods, leading to the invention of 'virtual reality empathy training' for officers. By 2050, police are equipped with VR headsets that allow them to experience life as a houseplant. Crime rates plummet as officers become overly concerned about the well-being of potted ferns.. Fact: Did you know that the average houseplant can outlast a lot of political careers? Just something to ponder while reading the news..
• Headline: Tensions Rise Between Trump and Mattis. Impact: Jim Mattis, after being ousted, becomes a motivational speaker, inspiring a generation of former military personnel to start their own businesses. This leads to the creation of 'Military-Style Team Building Retreats,' which ironically become the new favorite pastime of corporate America. Who knew teamwork could be so... tactical?. Fact: Fun fact: 'Jim' is a name that has been around since the Dark Ages. Apparently, it’s not just a defense secretary's name, but also a classic for enduring boredom..
• Headline: The Economy Is Humming, but Trump Is Tweeting. Republicans Are Worried.. Impact: Trump's tweets create a bizarre feedback loop where people start using social media as a form of economic forecasting. By 2030, economists are predicting market trends based solely on the number of exclamation points in presidential tweets. Spoiler: the market crashes every time he uses 'bigly'.. Fact: It’s ironic that tweeting became a presidential pastime. Before that, the only thing presidents were known to tweet was their resignation letters..
• Headline: An Ex-Owner of the Dodgers Takes Another Swing in Marseille. Impact: Frank McCourt's venture into French soccer leads to a series of cultural exchanges that result in Americans developing a newfound obsession with baguettes and berets. By 2030, soccer is the new national pastime, and baseball is relegated to the 'weird uncle' status of sports.. Fact: Fun fact: Frank McCourt once tried to sell the Dodgers for a bag of croissants. The deal fell through when he realized he couldn’t fit a baseball team in his bakery..