SEPTEMBER 14, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cuomo Triumphs Over Nixon in Democratic Primary. Impact: Cuomo's victory over Nixon led to a series of political maneuvers that ultimately paved the way for future governors to either embrace or run away from progressive policies, depending on the current mood of Twitter. Who knew a primary battle could influence the emotional state of a state?. Fact: Did you know that ‘Cynthia Nixon’ is not just a name but an entire movement in New York politics? Just like a well-placed avocado toast, it represents a shift in priorities!.
• Headline: Trevor Noah's Emmys Outfit Controversy. Impact: Trevor Noah's outfit at the Emmys sparked a nationwide debate about fashion, leading to an unexpected surge in the sales of brightly colored suits. This, in turn, caused a sudden spike in the confidence levels of men everywhere, which might be the real secret to world peace.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase ‘Don’t look at me’ is often used by celebrities to deflect attention from their questionable fashion choices? So really, Trevor just wants us to admire his outfit, but with a twist of irony!.
• Headline: Baseball Players Adapt to Protective Netting. Impact: The new protective netting not only changed the way players interact with fans, it also inadvertently spurred an entire generation of children to develop impressive arm strength as they scramble for baseballs. Future Olympic athletes may very well owe their skills to this netting controversy.. Fact: Did you know that before protective netting, fans were often on the receiving end of foul balls? Now they just have to deal with the existential crisis of being 'chosen' for a baseball toss!.
• Headline: The Bronx Is Great, Thonx. Impact: The Bronx's transformation into a 'not-Brooklyn' led to a hipster migration that ultimately resulted in a global shortage of artisanal pickles. The ripple effect of avoiding comparisons has turned the borough into a trendy hotspot—who knew not wanting to be like someone else could lead to such culinary chaos?. Fact: Did you know that calling the Bronx the next Brooklyn is like calling a cat a dog? Both are adorable but totally different breeds of cool!.
• Headline: We’re Measuring the Economy All Wrong. Impact: The mismeasurement of the economy allowed for a decade-long party of misinformation, leading to bizarre economic policies that can only be explained by the collective denial of reality. This may have contributed to the rise of bizarre conspiracy theories about the economy being controlled by a secret society of accountants.. Fact: Did you know that measuring the economy is a bit like measuring your self-worth? Both can be wildly inaccurate depending on your sources and the time of day!.