AUGUST 30, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Gillum's Historic Primary Win in Florida. Impact: Gillum's surprise victory sparked a wave of progressive candidates across the nation. In a parallel universe, we now have a state where unicorns are legal and everyone gets free tacos. Thanks, Andrew!. Fact: Did you know that in Florida, you can literally be arrested for a dog barking too long? The state has its priorities straight!.
• Headline: John McCain's Last Word Against Trump. Impact: McCain's last word has turned into a political meme that will haunt Trump like a bad haircut. People are now convinced that the senator is out there tweeting from beyond the grave.. Fact: Fun fact: McCain once owned a pet tiger. Just kidding, but wouldn't that have been more interesting than some of his political stances?.
• Headline: Trump's Secret Deal with National Enquirer. Impact: Trump's desire to bury his past has led to a world where journalists are now professional archaeologists, digging through the dirt for stories. Who knew scandal could lead to a job boom?. Fact: Did you know that the National Enquirer once published a story about a man who claimed to be the reincarnation of Elvis? Clearly, they weren’t too picky with their dirt!.
• Headline: Secret Doorways, Gargoyles and Wood-Carved Angels: Cleaning Out the Cathedral Basement. Impact: The renovation of the cathedral's crypt will inadvertently lead to a new trend in 'spooky chic' home decor. Just wait until people start selling 'haunted' furniture on Etsy.. Fact: Did you know that St. John the Divine is the largest cathedral in the world? It’s so big that if you get lost, you might just end up in a different century!.
• Headline: A Broken Relationship and Accusations of Emotional Abuse: The Case of Keith Ellison. Impact: The allegations against Ellison have caused a ripple effect, inspiring a new wave of accountability. In the future, there might be a reality show called 'Who’s Got the Most Emotional Baggage?'. Fact: Did you know that #MeToo is actually the name of a popular drink at hipster cafes? Just kidding, but it should be. It would definitely be more refreshing than the drama!.