AUGUST 28, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pope Controversy Splits U.S. Catholics. Impact: This letter sparked a schism that eventually led to a new sect of Catholics who only attend services if there's brunch afterward. The brunch Catholics, as they're known, have since influenced the culinary choices at churches worldwide, prioritizing croissants over communion.. Fact: Did you know that brunch was originally invented to save people from their bad hangovers after Saturday night? Clearly, it’s now a holy sacrament..
• Headline: Louis C.K. Returns to Stand-Up Stage. Impact: Louis's return to the stage led to a new wave of comedians attempting to outdo him with controversial material, ultimately resulting in a comedy renaissance that prioritized shock value over punchlines. Who knew that the path to enlightenment led through a minefield of awkward laughs?. Fact: Interestingly, stand-up comedy was once a noble profession aimed at social commentary. Now it’s just a competitive sport where the only rule is to avoid actual responsibility..
• Headline: Preserving Fragile Plastic Artifacts. Impact: The disintegration of these plastic treasures triggered a global movement to preserve 'real' culture, leading to a resurgence of artisanal crafts. As a result, hipsters around the world now proudly wear hand-knitted sweaters made from organic goat hair, while lamenting the loss of their beloved plastic artifacts.. Fact: Fun fact: The original plastic was invented in the 19th century, and it was supposed to be the 'wonder material.' Yet here we are, using it to store leftovers and create artifacts that disintegrate faster than your will to live..
• Headline: As Sears Withers, Its Former Stores Fuel a New Fortune. Impact: The decline of Sears led to a wholesale pivot in retail strategies, causing other retailers to follow suit. This eventually birthed the trend of shopping in what can only be described as 'glorified warehouses'—a.k.a. your average warehouse club, where you buy 50 rolls of toilet paper at once because why not?. Fact: Did you know that Sears was once so influential that it sold everything from homes to coffins? If only they had sold a magic potion to revive themselves!.
• Headline: This Commuter Bus Took Nearly 3 Hours to Get to Manhattan. It Was the Express.. Impact: The infamous bus ride triggered a series of urban planning meetings that eventually led to the development of teleportation proposals. While it’s still a pipe dream, one can only hope that the next generation won’t have to rely on buses that move at the speed of molasses.. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'express bus' is simply a euphemism for 'we’re going to take our sweet time.'.