JULY 17, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Navajo Nation's Bid for Remington. Impact: If the Navajo Nation had successfully acquired Remington, we might have seen a world where smart guns were mandatory, leading to the bizarre situation where criminals were forced to audition their gun skills in front of a panel of judges. 'Do you have a license for that trigger finger?' would have been the new catchphrase.. Fact: Did you know that smart guns are designed to prevent unauthorized users from firing? Because nothing says 'freedom' like a gun that won't let you shoot because you forgot to charge it!.
• Headline: Exploring Love and Art in Dreamland. Impact: The play's exploration of love and licorice could have sparked a global licorice renaissance, leading to a bizarre licorice-based economy where candy stores became the new Wall Street. Imagine Wall Street brokers trading in gummy bears instead of stocks!. Fact: Licorice has been used for thousands of years in medicine. So technically, every time you reach for a Twizzler, you're just trying to cure your existential dread..
• Headline: E.U. Expands Trade Horizons with Japan. Impact: The E.U.'s desperate attempts at trade deals with Japan could eventually lead to a global alliance of nations that only speak in sushi, and the world leaders would hold summits at all-you-can-eat sushi restaurants. 'We’ll trade you three tuna rolls for a seat at the table!'. Fact: Trade deals are like relationships—there's always one side that feels they're giving more, and they usually end in a messy breakup over who gets the last piece of sushi..
• Headline: Australian Housing Costs Rival New York’s, but Boom May Be Ending. Impact: As housing prices in Australia drop, it could lead to an influx of American hipsters looking for 'authentic' living experiences, driving prices back up as they start calling their homes 'vintage' and 'retro.' Soon, the only thing affordable will be the avocado toast on their brunch menus.. Fact: Australia is home to more kangaroos than people. So if you can't afford a house, you could always consider a roommate situation with a kangaroo. Just don't expect them to pay rent..