JULY 6, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Kavanaugh's Controversial Impeachment Arguments. Impact: Kavanaugh's unique perspective on impeachment inadvertently inspires a new genre of 'What If' fan fiction where each chapter features a different president facing impeachment based on the most ridiculous grounds possible. Spoiler alert: it does not end well for the fictional presidents.. Fact: Did you know Kavanaugh's views on impeachment could have sparked debates in coffee shops for decades? Because nothing says 'healthy political discourse' like a bunch of baristas discussing constitutional law over lattes..
• Headline: Love Island Sparks National Conversation. Impact: The global obsession with 'Love Island' leads to the creation of a new United Nations committee dedicated to discussing the emotional impact of reality television on international relations. Because who knew love triangles could influence geopolitics?. Fact: Did you know that 'Love Island' has been so popular it’s considered more reliable than most news networks? At least the drama is real and the outcomes are predictable..
• Headline: Boost in Jobs Signals Economic Recovery. Impact: The hiring push leads to a sudden resurgence of interest in 90s grunge fashion among job seekers, resulting in a nationwide shortage of flannel shirts and combat boots. The economy flourishes, but thrift stores weep.. Fact: Did you know that at one point, employers were so desperate to hire that they considered accepting 'willingness to learn' as a valid substitute for experience? Talk about lowering the bar!.
• Headline: A Woman Sleeps a Year Away in Ottessa Moshfegh’s Darkly Comic New Novel. Impact: The novel's protagonist's year of sleep inspires a global movement where people take 'rest vacations' to recharge, leading to a rise in pillow manufacturers and a dramatic decline in productivity. Who knew napping could be a career choice?. Fact: Did you know that sleep is often referred to as the ‘new coffee’? In fact, a whole new industry is emerging where people are paid to nap—because the world clearly needed more ways to procrastinate..
• Headline: In a Migrant Shelter Classroom, ‘It’s Always Like the First Day of School’. Impact: Migrant children’s classroom experiences in shelters lead to a viral trend where educators around the world start teaching using only crayons and pizza as motivational tools. Because nothing inspires learning like pepperoni.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'it’s always like the first day of school' is actually code for 'we have no idea what we’re doing here'? Just another day in the classroom, I suppose..