JULY 4, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Alan Dershowitz Faces Opposition on Martha's Vineyard. Impact: Alan Dershowitz's frosty reception on Martha’s Vineyard led to a secret society forming among the locals, dedicated to shunning anyone who ever supported a president. This eventually turned into a reality TV show, 'Shun the Politician,' which somehow became a global phenomenon, spreading the art of social exclusion worldwide.. Fact: Did you know? Martha's Vineyard is actually named after a giant frost-covered grape that never existed. Or maybe it did, if you ask the locals after a few drinks..
• Headline: Trump's Supreme Court Dilemma Unveiled. Impact: The choice between Judge Kavanaugh and Judge Barrett sparked a nationwide debate on how to flip a coin while simultaneously deciding the fate of the country’s legal framework. This led to the creation of the National Coin Tossing Association, which now holds annual championships involving judges and politicians.. Fact: Did you know? The real reason politicians flip coins is to decide who gets to blame the other for their poor decisions. It's all about teamwork!.
• Headline: Lakeith Stanfield's Unconventional Hollywood Journey. Impact: Lakeith Stanfield's refusal to be categorized as a movement leader led to a mass existential crisis among Hollywood A-listers, causing them to question their very identities. This resulted in a temporary shortage of award nominations, as everyone simply decided to just be 'themselves' instead of actors.. Fact: Did you know? 'Sorry to Bother You' was almost titled 'Please Don't Call Me,' but they figured that might confuse the audience..
• Headline: Wang Jian, Co-Founder of Chinese Giant HNA, Dies in France. Impact: Wang Jian's untimely death marked a pivotal moment for HNA, leading to a series of bizarre corporate decisions that involved acquiring a small island and declaring it a sovereign nation. This new nation now runs on a currency based entirely on selfies.. Fact: Did you know? HNA was once proposed to be the official sponsor of the phrase 'overleveraged' in corporate jargon. It's almost as if they were asking for trouble..
• Headline: Why Made in China 2025 Will Succeed, Despite Trump. Impact: The determination behind Made in China 2025, despite Trump, ignited a global race to modernize products, resulting in an alternate timeline where every country began cloning its leaders to speed up innovation. This led to a bizarre world filled with mini-Trumps and super-Chinas.. Fact: Did you know? Made in China 2025 was originally a plan for a 2025 remake of 'Made in America,' but they decided it was too ambitious. The sequel is still in development hell..