MAY 13, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Investigation Unit Disbanded Amidst Policy Changes. Impact: When the Education Department decided to unwind the unit investigating fraud, it inadvertently opened the floodgates for a generation of 'free' college tuition dreams—because who wouldn’t want to major in ‘How to Secure a Loan with Zero Consequences’?. Fact: Did you know that student loan forgiveness can sometimes feel a lot like waiting for a unicorn to show up at your door? Spoiler alert: it’s mostly a myth..
• Headline: The Hidden Dangers of Keyless Cars. Impact: The rise of keyless cars is a classic case of 'what could go wrong?'—turns out, leaving your car running in the garage leads to a series of unfortunate events. Who knew convenience could be so deadly? It’s like the universe’s way of saying, ‘Surprise! You can’t have nice things!’. Fact: Fun fact: carbon monoxide is a silent killer, unlike your neighbor who loudly blares their music at 2 AM. At least one of them gives you a warning!.
• Headline: Dynamic Performances in O'Neill's Classic Play. Impact: In a world where Jeremy Irons and Lesley Manville put on a play about family dysfunction, audiences now expect every family gathering to turn into a dramatic production. Thank you, theater, for setting the bar for our Thanksgiving dinners!. Fact: Did you know Eugene O’Neill was known for his intense family dramas? Because nothing says 'family bonding' like existential dread and emotional breakdowns!.
• Headline: Charles Ray, Walking a Fine Line With a Hungry Lion. Impact: Charles Ray’s art may have inadvertently inspired a new wave of interpretive dance among viewers who are just trying to process their feelings about a hungry lion. Next thing you know, everyone's in therapy discussing their 'artistic trauma'.. Fact: Did you know that art can evoke strong emotions? Just ask anyone who’s accidentally wandered into a modern art exhibit and ended up questioning their entire life choice..
• Headline: In About-Face on Trade, Trump Vows to Protect ZTE Jobs in China. Impact: Trump's sudden shift to protect ZTE jobs probably led to a chain reaction of 'wait, is this how trade works now?'—it's like watching a toddler say 'mine' while hoarding all the toys. Spoiler: it doesn’t end well.. Fact: Did you know that trade deals are like relationships? If you don’t communicate clearly, someone is going to end up feeling really confused and possibly betrayed!.