MAY 7, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Controversy Over Native American Mascots in Europe. Impact: This headline triggered a series of European sports teams adopting increasingly ridiculous mascots, eventually leading to a bizarre trend of teams named after obscure mythological creatures. By 2040, we had teams like the 'Wandering Wombats' and 'Cosmic Cabbages' — all in an effort to be seen as 'politically correct'.. Fact: Did you know that the first recorded use of a Native American mascot in sports was in 1869? That’s right, because when you think of sports, you think of a 19th-century history lesson. Who needs sensitivity training when you have ignorance?.
• Headline: Targeting Low-Level Gun Offenders. Impact: Sessions' approach inadvertently inspired a new genre of action movies where low-level offenders become unlikely heroes, leading to the rise of the 'Gun-toting Granny' trope. By 2030, every grandmother is packing heat and quoting the Bible.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'shoot first, ask questions later' was actually coined during a particularly chaotic family BBQ? Just kidding, but it feels true, doesn't it?.
• Headline: Rachel Kushner’s ‘The Mars Room’ Offers a Blackly Comic Take on Prison Life. Impact: Kushner's novel sparked a literary revolution that made prison life the next big thing in bestsellers, leading to a whole genre of 'Prison Chic' novels. By 2035, real estate agents were pitching 'Prison-style lofts' in trendy neighborhoods.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'literary prison' refers not just to a setting, but also to the feeling you get when you try to read a boring book? You can almost hear the bars clanging shut..
• Headline: In Puerto Rico, Waiting for Power, for Tourists, for the Flowers. Impact: The prolonged power outage led to an influx of 'Emotional Support Cacti' as residents sought solace in non-judgmental plants. By 2024, these cacti were the hottest new therapy trend, outpacing actual therapists.. Fact: Did you know that cacti can live for over 100 years? So while you wait for Puerto Rico to regain its power, at least your emotional support plant is thriving — talk about *growing* through adversity!.