MAY 6, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Robocall Surge: A Growing Concern. Impact: The surge in robocalls led to the invention of the 'call-blocking' superpower, which eventually resulted in the widespread distrust of any phone call. This paranoia then spread to all forms of communication, creating a future where people only communicated via interpretive dance.. Fact: Did you know that robocalls are the only form of communication where the response 'Stop calling me!' is completely ignored? It’s like they’re the annoying ex of the telecommunication world..
• Headline: California Republicans Face Critical Decision. Impact: The California Republicans' rock bottom led to a renaissance of political memes and TikTok dances as young voters decided that laughing at politics was the best way to cope with their existential dread. Thus, a new era of 'political humor' emerged, where the only candidates who got votes were the ones who could nail a trending dance.. Fact: Did you know that California Republicans have a secret motto? 'If at first you don’t succeed, blame the liberal media!' It's worked wonders for their self-esteem..
• Headline: Carrot Top's Surprising Vegas Success. Impact: Carrot Top's continuous success created a parallel universe where all comedians have to rely on props to be funny, resulting in a dystopian world where stand-up comedy is replaced by elaborate prop shows involving inflatable animals and exploding confetti.. Fact: Did you know that Carrot Top’s real name is Scott Thompson? But let’s be honest, he’s much more famous for his hair than his actual talent. Hair today, gone tomorrow!.
• Headline: The Racial Spectacle of DNA Test Result Videos. Impact: The trend of sharing DNA test results catalyzed a worldwide obsession with ancestry that inadvertently led to the creation of a new sport: competitive genealogy. Families across the globe race to find the most obscure royal lineage, forever changing family reunions into epic historical reenactments.. Fact: Did you know that DNA tests are like a family reunion? You send one off, and suddenly, everyone you thought was related may actually be a distant cousin from a different continent. Surprise!.
• Headline: The Lonely Existence of Winnipeg Jets Fans in Atlanta. Impact: The plight of Winnipeg Jets fans in Atlanta sparked a grassroots movement for sports loyalty that eventually culminated in a 'Hockey Affection Society,' where fans would gather to mourn their lost teams every season. This led to the first professional support group for heartbroken sports fans.. Fact: Did you know that Winnipeg Jets fans in Atlanta are basically the hipsters of sports fandom? They were fans before it was cool—at least in the wrong city!.