MAY 5, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump Aware of Stormy Daniels Payment Controversy. Impact: In a bizarre twist of fate, if Trump had just admitted to the payment, we could have avoided a whole decade of conspiracy theories about the 'secret porn star fund' that ultimately led to a new reality show: 'Keeping Up with the Presidents.'. Fact: Did you know that $130,000 is the price of a very nice car, or a lifetime supply of avocado toast? Just saying..
• Headline: Patagonia's Legal Battle for Bears Ears. Impact: Patagonia's lawsuit against Trump not only brought attention to environmental issues but also sparked a trend where hipsters started wearing 'Save Bears Ears' t-shirts while sipping their organic soy lattes, thereby confusing everyone at the local café about whether they were environmentalists or just really into fashion.. Fact: Fun fact: Patagonia's founder once said, 'The best thing we can do for the planet is to stop buying stuff.' So, uh, good luck with that lawsuit!.
• Headline: Eyeglasses: A Global Health Revolution. Impact: The campaign to provide eyeglasses may have inadvertently led to a global increase in reading, resulting in a significant uptick in the number of people who now believe they are experts in every topic from politics to knitting.. Fact: Did you know that more than 2.7 billion people are affected by uncorrected poor vision? That’s like half the world trying to read a menu without their glasses on. Bon appétit!.
• Headline: The Man Who Bought New York. Impact: Schwarzman's purchase of New York might have inadvertently set a precedent for billionaires thinking they could buy anything, leading to the eventual bizarre purchase of the moon by a tech mogul who just wanted to open a lunar-themed amusement park.. Fact: Fun fact: Stephen Schwarzman once hosted a party that cost more than the GDP of some small countries. So, if you ever feel bad about your student loans, just remember that..
• Headline: As State Lawmaker Claims Abuse, Party Leaders Shield Her Colleague. Impact: The shielding of the accused lawmaker could have long-term effects, leading to a pattern where political parties prioritize loyalty over justice, sparking a new trend in which 'shielding' becomes a sport with its own league and everything.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'boys will be boys' was first used in 1951? It’s amazing how some phrases can stay timeless, like bad fashion choices..