MAY 2, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's Legal Quandary with Mueller's Queries. Impact: If Trump had just kept his mouth shut, the entire landscape of presidential interviews might have turned into a tranquil lake of serenity instead of the chaotic whirlpool we have today. Who knew one man's reluctance to answer questions could lead to countless conspiracy theories about time-traveling lawyers?. Fact: Did you know that Trump once claimed he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose voters? Imagine the ratings for that interview!.
• Headline: Divisions on Iran Nuclear Deal Resurface. Impact: The divide over the Iran deal could have prompted secret meetings between European and U.S. leaders, leading to the formation of a secret society called the 'Nuclear Negotiators Club.' They meet in dark rooms and argue about who has the best sanctions strategy.. Fact: Did you know that the most effective way to divide a group is to mention the word 'nuclear'? It works every time!.
• Headline: Teacher Pay Is So Low in Some U.S. School Districts That They’re Recruiting Overseas. Impact: This desperation for teachers could lead to a future where classrooms are run by robotic educators programmed with the knowledge of a thousand textbooks. In a few decades, students may end up preferring their AI teachers over actual humans—talk about an upgrade!. Fact: Did you know that some countries are so desperate for teachers that they might start offering jobs to aliens? I hear they have great grades in intergalactic physics!.
• Headline: Tech Giants Feel the Squeeze as Xi Jinping Tightens His Grip. Impact: Xi's tightening grip on tech giants might just spark a new wave of underground tech startups operating in secret basements. Who needs regulation when you can have a nocturnal workforce creating apps by candlelight?. Fact: Fun fact: China’s tech scene is so intense, even their 'noodle delivery' apps come with built-in security features to shield them from prying eyes..