APRIL 29, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Kim Proposes Nuclear Disarmament for Truce. Impact: If Kim had actually given up nuclear weapons, the butterfly effect could have led to a world where North Korea becomes the next global vacation hotspot, complete with amusement parks and a 'nuclear-free zone' theme. Imagine tourists taking selfies in front of a giant statue of Kim Jong-un, all thanks to a truce!. Fact: Did you know that in 2018, Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump met face-to-face? Nothing says 'trust' like shaking hands with a man who has a nuclear button!.
• Headline: Heart Infections from Drug Use: A Crisis. Impact: The fallout from this revelation could lead to a future where heart surgeons double as addiction counselors. Picture a world where you can get your heart fixed while also getting a motivational speech about the dangers of street drugs. It's two-for-one therapy!. Fact: Did you know that opioid addiction has been declared a national crisis? Because who doesn’t want to juggle heart problems and addiction in a delightful game of life?.
• Headline: Michelle Wolf's Controversial WHCD Performance. Impact: Michelle Wolf's roast could have set off a chain reaction where future comedians are required to roast politicians, leading to a world where the presidency is basically an open mic night. Imagine a debate where candidates try to out-joke each other instead of discussing policies!. Fact: Did you know that the White House Correspondents' Dinner has been a thing since 1920? Who knew politics could be so entertainingly awkward, like watching your parents try to dance?.
• Headline: Sprint and T-Mobile to Merge, in Bid to Remake Wireless Market. Impact: If Sprint and T-Mobile merge, we might find ourselves in a dystopian future where we only have three choices for cell service, and they all involve being put on hold for eternity. Welcome to the age of 'you can pick your poison, but not your provider!'. Fact: Did you know that in some places, people still use flip phones? They probably have better reception than your latest smartphone—just saying!.