APRIL 28, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bob Dylan Ventures into Whiskey Business. Impact: If Bob Dylan hadn't started making whiskey, the world might have been devoid of the legendary cocktail called 'The Hurricane.' Not only that, but every pub in America would be a little less poetic, and karaoke nights would be a lot less entertaining as people try to sing 'Knockin' on Heaven's Door' after one too many shots.. Fact: Did you know Bob Dylan once wrote a song about a hurricane? Now he's just trying to create one in every glass!.
• Headline: David Duchovny's Literary Journey Unveiled. Impact: David Duchovny's foray into novel writing may or may not have inspired future generations of actors to think they can also write books. This could lead to a dystopian future where every celebrity pens their autobiography, resulting in a massive increase in libraries filled with books no one actually wants to read.. Fact: Fun fact: Duchovny's first novel was so well-received it made readers question if they were really just watching 'Californication' in book form!.
• Headline: Doris Burke: Pioneering Sports Broadcasting. Impact: Doris Burke's rise as a full-time analyst may have inadvertently led to a nationwide surge in men questioning their sports knowledge, leading to more awkward conversations at parties where everyone pretends to know what a pick-and-roll is.. Fact: Did you know that Doris Burke is not just a sports analyst? She's also a pioneer for women in sports broadcasting, breaking barriers while men are still trying to figure out how to make small talk!.
• Headline: Trump’s Role in Midterm Elections Roils Republicans. Impact: Trump's influence on the midterm elections might have caused a series of political dominoes to fall, leading to unexpected alliances, bizarre campaign slogans, and a future where every politician thinks they can just tweet their way into office. Thanks, Trump.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'midterm elections' is just a fancy way of saying 'let's all decide if we still like this person or if we should throw them out like yesterday's pizza?'.
• Headline: The Golden State Killer Left a Trail of Horror With Taunts and Guile. Impact: The Golden State Killer's heinous acts and eventual capture may have sparked a renewed interest in true crime documentaries, leading to a future where every couch potato is suddenly an expert on criminal psychology, making family dinners much more awkward.. Fact: Did you know that the Golden State Killer evaded capture for decades? Talk about a 'hide and seek' champion, but let's hope he doesn't get any trophies for that!.