APRIL 23, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Gleyber Torres Joins Yankees' Young Talent. Impact: Gleyber Torres' arrival sparked a chain reaction that led to an influx of youth in professional sports, eventually resulting in the creation of the 'Youth Sports Academy' where toddlers are now training for the MLB. The first player to hit a home run at age 5 was wildly celebrated, but also caused a national debate on early bedtimes.. Fact: Gleyber's first hit was a double, which is impressive, but did you know that double the effort isn't needed when you have a team of overpaid athletes behind you?.
• Headline: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Review. Impact: The success of 'Harry Potter and the Cursed Child' caused an unexpected rise in theatre attendance, leading to a nationwide shortage of overpriced popcorn and an increase in wizard-themed parties among millennials. The play also prompted a highly controversial debate: are wands the new smartphones?. Fact: The play is so magical that even Muggles have started to believe they can do magic! Spoiler: they can’t..
• Headline: Sudan's Secret Police and European Migration Policy. Impact: Sudan's secret police tactics inadvertently inspired a new European trend of 'moral outsourcing' where countries began hiring 'ethical consultants' to handle their dirty work, leading to the creation of a new industry—moral ambiguity consulting. Who knew ethics could be such a lucrative business?. Fact: Europe's plan is so effective that they've now started exporting their border control strategies to the moon. No migrants, but plenty of space suits!.
• Headline: A Gay Referee Tries to Find His Place in Hockey. Impact: Andrea Barone's bravery in hockey may have set the stage for a future where sports leagues adopt a mandatory 'no hate' policy, leading to the creation of the 'Rainbow Referee' program. Soon, all referees will be required to wear sequined uniforms while officiating games. A win for inclusivity—or a fashion disaster?. Fact: Hockey is one of the few sports where fighting is encouraged, which makes you wonder: if only they could channel that aggression into accepting everyone instead..
• Headline: The State That Foreshadows America’s Future. Impact: Lawrence Wright's portrayal of Texas has inspired a new national trend where states are now taking personality tests to determine their future. Rumor has it that California is trying to rebrand itself as 'The Chill State' while Texas is leaning heavily into 'The Reckless Frontier.'. Fact: Texas is so big that if you misplaced it on a map, it could take weeks to find—kind of like how we’re still looking for common sense in politics!.