APRIL 16, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump Faces Challenges from Independent Prosecutors. Impact: If this investigation leads to a conviction, it might inspire a wave of future political figures to consider a career in time travel to avoid legal repercussions. After all, who wouldn't want to hop back to a time when their actions were still considered acceptable?. Fact: The Southern District of New York is so nonpartisan, it might as well file its own candidacy for president. But I guess they’re too busy pursuing actual criminals..
• Headline: Exploring Themes in ‘Mlima’s Tale’. Impact: This poignant tale about the ivory trade might have led to a world where elephants become the most sought-after life coaches, teaching humans the importance of trunk strength and memory retention.. Fact: Elephants can actually recognize themselves in mirrors. So if they had a ghost, it would likely just be a judgmental version of themselves reflecting on humanity's stupidity..
• Headline: Historic First: Saudi Arabia's Fashion Week. Impact: This event could trigger a global fashion revolution, with other conservative countries suddenly feeling the need to catch up — or just start selling designer burqas at exorbitant prices.. Fact: Women have been waiting for a chance to shine in Saudi Arabia for years. Who knew all it took was a catwalk and a serious lack of social media?.
• Headline: ‘They Eat Money’: How Mandela’s Political Heirs Grow Rich Off Corruption. Impact: If the trend of corruption continues, we might see a new reality show: 'Survivor: Politicians Edition,' where the last corrupt official standing wins an all-expenses-paid trip to prison.. Fact: The ANC has siphoned off tens of billions of dollars, proving that when it comes to corruption, some politicians really do have a PhD in 'How to Make Money Disappear.'.
• Headline: Not Necessarily Thor: One Mets Ace Is Not Like the Other. Impact: This stark contrast in pitching styles could lead to a new trend in sports marketing — 'The Battle of the Bodies,' where athletic performance is overshadowed by physique and Instagram followers.. Fact: Noah Syndergaard’s nickname 'Thor' is ironic since many fans believe he only throws lightning bolts when he's not busy being a walking advertisement for protein powder..