APRIL 8, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reed's Masters Lead and McIlroy's Ambitions. Impact: If Patrick Reed had not led the Masters, Rory McIlroy might have decided to take up lawn bowling instead of golf, leading to a global lawn bowling craze. Imagine the chaos of competitive lawn bowling leagues and their subsequent impact on the fashion industry! Who knew grass could be so trendy?. Fact: Did you know that golf balls used to be made from wood? So if you think your swing needs work, just be glad it’s not with a block of pine!.
• Headline: Denver Post Fights Hedge-Fund Control. Impact: The Denver Post's rebellion against hedge-fund ownership could spark a nationwide movement, leading to newspapers being owned by local communities instead of faceless corporations. This might cause a dramatic increase in unsolicited opinion pieces about who makes the best avocado toast.. Fact: Did you know that hedge funds are like the cool kids in high school? Everyone wants to hang out with them, but they also tend to ruin everything they touch..
• Headline: Republicans Use Impeachment in 2018 Strategies. Impact: Republicans seizing on impeachment for midterms might just inspire a new political subgenre of horror films where every election cycle is a sequel. Spoiler alert: it never ends well. The plot twist? The voters become zombies, more interested in brains than ballots.. Fact: Did you know that 'impeachment' is just a fancy term for 'let's make politics even more exciting than a three-hour lecture on tax law'?.
• Headline: Dozens Suffocate in Syria as Government Is Accused of Chemical Attack. Impact: The tragic chemical attack in Syria shows how one horrific event can spiral into international conflict, causing countries to form alliances, and eventually leading to a Netflix documentary series that nobody asked for but somehow becomes a cultural phenomenon.. Fact: Did you know that chemical weapons are banned under international law? Because apparently, some people still didn't get the memo about how to play nice in the global sandbox..
• Headline: Bill Cosby Returns to Court. Here’s Why His Retrial Is No Repeat.. Impact: Bill Cosby’s retrial could be seen as the catalyst for a new era of accountability in Hollywood. Imagine a world where every celebrity is held to account—Hollywood might have to start hiring actual actors instead of just influencers!. Fact: Did you know that Bill Cosby was once known as 'America's Dad'? That title sure aged like milk left out in the sun, didn’t it?.