APRIL 3, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump vs. The Washington Post Debate. Impact: This little spat led to the rise of 'fake news' as a rallying cry, resulting in a multitude of conspiracy theories, a slight uptick in conspiracy-themed TikToks, and a decline in the average attention span of the populace.. Fact: Did you know that calling the Washington Post a 'lobbyist weapon' is like calling a spoon a 'weapon of mass nutrition'? It’s just a tool, folks..
• Headline: China Trade Action Sparks Industry Discontent. Impact: This trade tension sparked an entire generation of economists to throw around terms like 'tariff' and 'import/export balance' at parties, leading to a national decline in fun levels and an increase in awkward silences.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Roiling markets' means the stock market is basically having a mid-life crisis, throwing money at anything that looks remotely youthful..
• Headline: Facebook Should Consider a 'Why Me?' Button. Impact: The introduction of this button led to a digital existential crisis, as users began questioning not only their ad choices but also their life decisions, resulting in a surge of motivational quotes on Instagram.. Fact: Did you know that Facebook's ad algorithm knows you better than your own mother? It’s like having a nosy relative who knows your shopping habits but still can't get your name right..
• Headline: Jeweler to the Stars Flees as India Seethes Over Bank Fraud. Impact: Nirav Modi’s flight sparked a nationwide treasure hunt, inspiring a series of Bollywood films where the hero tracks down the 'missing diamond' while dodging the IRS, leading to an uptick in jewel heist movies.. Fact: It's ironic that a jeweler known for bling would run from the law—talk about a diamond in the rough!.
• Headline: China Finds California Wine Pairs Well With a Trade War. Impact: This trade war led to a new trend: 'Wines of Discontent,' where every bottle sold comes with a side of political commentary, turning casual wine nights into heated debates.. Fact: Did you know that California wine is scientifically proven to taste better when you’re sipping it while discussing international trade relations? Cheers to that!.