MARCH 10, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Midwest Farmers Concerned Over Trade War. Impact: The Midwest farmers’ concerns about tariffs led to a series of votes that resulted in a sudden spike in 'Locally-Grown' T-shirts, which ironically, are now made in China. Who knew a cotton shirt could be so transnational?. Fact: Did you know that 'Midwest farmers' is just a euphemism for the people who think they can survive solely on corn and soybeans? They’d probably be better off investing in a quinoa farm..
• Headline: Lafarge's Controversial Ties in Syria. Impact: Lafarge's dealings with ISIS might have inadvertently inspired a new genre of corporate espionage novels: 'Cementing Deals with the Devil.' Expect a bestseller on the shelves in 2030!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more solid than cement is the irony of a company trying to build a future while literally giving cash to destroyers of worlds. Talk about mixed messages!.
• Headline: Embracing Risk in British Playgrounds. Impact: The push for 'risk' in British playgrounds has led to a rise in extreme adult playgrounds, where people now pay to swing over flaming hoops. Who knew that toddlers would pave the way for thrill-seekers?. Fact: You know you've reached peak parenting when 'dangerous play' becomes a trend. Next up: teaching kids how to juggle chainsaws—because why not?.
• Headline: Trump Rollbacks Target Offshore Rules ‘Written With Human Blood’. Impact: The rollbacks on offshore drilling regulations set off a chain reaction that led to the invention of 'Eco-Friendly Oil,' which is just regular oil with a green label. Genius marketing at its finest!. Fact: Did you know that 'written with human blood' is actually a common phrase in corporate jargon? It's just a fancy way to say 'we really don’t care about human life if it affects our profits.'.
• Headline: The Man Who Knew Too Little. Impact: The tale of 'The Man Who Knew Too Little' sparked a new reality show where contestants compete to see how little they can know and still survive. Spoiler: they win by ignoring the news.. Fact: Did you know that living in a 'liberal fantasy' actually means you just have to pretend there are no consequences to your actions? It's like playing Monopoly but only using the 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards..