MARCH 7, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.S.-China Technology Rivalry Unfolds. Impact: This technology race sparked a series of espionage scandals, which ultimately led to a global shortage of chips. The irony? People were forced to actually talk to one another instead of texting, which had a profound effect on social skills worldwide. Thanks, Qualcomm!. Fact: Did you know that the term 'chip' was originally a reference to a small piece of wood? Now it's just a reminder of how we are all just tiny pieces in the massive game of global tech Monopoly..
• Headline: Trump's Complex Dialogue with North Korea. Impact: As Trump and his predecessors danced around North Korea, the world collectively held its breath, like a kid waiting for their turn on a seesaw. This ongoing tension eventually inspired a popular reality show where world leaders negotiate over snacks. Spoiler: it ends in tears.. Fact: Did you know that 'North Korea' translates to 'the place where negotiations go to die'? Just kidding! But honestly, don't hold your breath for a peaceful resolution..
• Headline: For Two Months, I Got My News From Print Newspapers. Here’s What I Learned.. Impact: This experiment led to a temporary resurgence of print journalism, making hipsters everywhere rejoice. Ironically, it also resulted in a sudden increase in allergies to paper dust, because who needs digital news when you can sneeze through the headlines?. Fact: Did you know that reading newspapers is a fantastic way to exercise your forearms? Just think of all that lifting and flipping!.
• Headline: Tony Kushner, at Peace? Not Exactly. But Close.. Impact: Kushner's moment of peace led to a theatrical renaissance, where playwrights everywhere decided that if he could find serenity, they could too. This eventually resulted in a bizarre trend of plays featuring existential crises set in laundromats. The washing machines became the stars.. Fact: Did you know that 'Angels in America' was originally going to be titled 'Angels in My Therapist's Office'? Just kidding, but wouldn't that have been a hit?.