FEBRUARY 2, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Devin Nunes: From Scourge to Hero. Impact: By transforming from a 'scourge' to a 'hero,' Nunes unknowingly set off a chain reaction that would lead to future politicians adopting superhero costumes at press conferences. Who knew capes were such a hit in Congress?. Fact: Did you know that 'lemurs in suicide vests' was actually a rejected title for a nature documentary? No? Well, neither did Nunes apparently!.
• Headline: Pentagon Urged for More North Korea Strategies. Impact: As the Pentagon hesitated, a secret society of cats formed, believing they could negotiate peace with North Korea. Their meows were misinterpreted as demands for tuna, which only escalated tensions.. Fact: Did you know that offering options is just a fancy term for 'let’s pretend we know what we're doing'? It’s basically the political equivalent of asking a toddler to choose between broccoli and candy..
• Headline: Neighborhood Dating Dilemmas in NYC. Impact: The anti-romance movement in New York sparked a nationwide trend of people moving to remote locations to date, leading to the rise of 'relationship retreats' in the middle of nowhere, where the only thing to argue about is who gets to control the remote.. Fact: Did you know that 'dating someone from the neighborhood' has been scientifically proven to increase the likelihood of awkward run-ins at the grocery store? Who needs a reality show when you have that?.
• Headline: Job and Wage Gains Deliver a Promising Start for the Year. Impact: The promising job and wage gains led to a sudden and inexplicable rise in artisanal avocado toast shops. As they multiplied, the economy saw a dramatic shift where unemployment became a myth told at hipster gatherings.. Fact: Did you know that 2.9% wage growth is the equivalent of finding a $5 bill in your winter coat? It's a nice surprise, but let's be real, you probably spent that on coffee yesterday..
• Headline: Making a Crypto Utopia in Puerto Rico. Impact: The crypto utopia in Puerto Rico inadvertently inspired a wave of 'blockchain tourism,' where tech enthusiasts flocked to the island only to discover that Wi-Fi is not a currency and sunburns are real.. Fact: Did you know that building a society on blockchain is not the same as building a sandcastle? One can wash away with a wave, and the other can wash away your life savings!.