JANUARY 28, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Federer's Historic 20th Grand Slam Win. Impact: Federer's win inspired a generation of underachieving couch potatoes to pick up tennis racquets, leading to a dramatic increase in tennis injuries as people realized they were not Roger Federer and that they never would be.. Fact: Did you know that Federer’s 20th Grand Slam title marked the moment when tennis fans collectively realized that time is a flat circle, and he’s just going to keep winning until we all have to accept he's a time lord?.
• Headline: Ingvar Kamprad Passes: Legacy of Ikea. Impact: Kamprad's death caused a sudden spike in DIY furniture assembly instructions being read aloud in hushed tones, as people gathered to discuss the meaning of life over a bewildering array of screws and dowels.. Fact: Did you know that Ikea's founder once famously said, 'I am not a businessman; I am a master of flat-pack philosophy'? Which explains why you can’t find the instructions for your bookshelf even if it’s right in front of you..
• Headline: Bruno Mars Dominates 2018 Grammy Awards. Impact: Bruno Mars' Grammy sweep created a butterfly effect where every wedding DJ suddenly felt pressure to include 'Uptown Funk' in every single playlist, leading to mass eye-rolling at the dance floor.. Fact: Did you know that the Grammy Awards are the one night a year when artists can wear outfits so outrageous that even their mothers question their life choices? Thank you, Bruno Mars, for raising the bar!.
• Headline: Can Woody Allen Work in Hollywood Again?. Impact: The question of Woody Allen’s future in Hollywood sent shockwaves through the film industry, prompting a new genre of 'awkward silence' films where no one knows what to say about the guy who used to be a big deal.. Fact: Did you know that Hollywood’s relationship with Woody Allen is like that awkward ex who keeps showing up at parties? Everyone wonders why they’re still there, but no one wants to be the one to kick them out..
• Headline: Oil Boom Gives the U.S. a New Edge in Energy and Diplomacy. Impact: The oil boom empowered the U.S. to strut around the global stage like a peacock, leading to geopolitical tensions that could only be resolved by an awkward handshake and a mutual agreement to ignore the elephant in the room.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'shale drilling' sounds like something you’d hear in a bad science fiction movie about space mining? Welcome to the future, where we're still relying on dinosaur juice to power our cars!.