JANUARY 25, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jerry Brown's Political Legacy and Future. Impact: Jerry Brown’s retirement from politics sparked a series of events leading to the rise of influencers who think they can govern better than seasoned politicians, resulting in a future where TikTok stars run for office. Just wait until the first cat video president is elected.. Fact: In a shocking twist, Jerry Brown actually has a second career as a rancher. You know, just in case politics doesn't work out anymore!.
• Headline: Trump's Citizenship Offer for Dreamers. Impact: Trump's back-and-forth on Dreamers created a paradox where future politicians are now required to state their position on every issue at least ten times before breakfast. Welcome to the age of political indecision!. Fact: The phrase 'morph into' was later adopted by an entire generation of politicians who now refer to their evolving policies as 'caterpillar moments.'.
• Headline: The World Moves Beyond America First Policies. Impact: As the U.S. focused on 'America First,' other nations began forming alliances that would lead to a future G20 summit where the U.S. is represented by a cardboard cutout of Uncle Sam, just for nostalgia.. Fact: The phrase 'America First' was originally coined by a group of folks who really just wanted to avoid doing their homework..
• Headline: Review: ‘The Confidence Man’ Finds Trump’s Business Image Was Made for TV. Impact: The revelation that Trump's business image was largely a façade led to a future where all politicians are required to carry a transparency rating, enforced by a panel of reality TV stars. The irony is delicious!. Fact: The documentary series 'Dirty Money' was almost called 'Clean Money,' but then they realized that wouldn't sell as well..
• Headline: Most Americans Want Legal Status for ‘Dreamers.’ These People Don’t.. Impact: The divided public opinion on Dreamers led to a future where polling became an Olympic sport, with people competing for the most contradictory opinions in the shortest time. Gold medals for everyone!. Fact: The only thing more conflicted than the public's feelings on Dreamers is a cat trying to choose between two different types of catnip..