JANUARY 22, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Patriots Secure A.F.C. Championship Again. Impact: Had the Patriots lost, the butterfly effect would have led to a reality where Tom Brady trades in his football for a career in interpretive dance—forever altering the perception of masculinity in sports.. Fact: Did you know that Tom Brady’s throwing hand has its own Twitter account? It tweets motivational quotes and occasionally critiques his diet..
• Headline: Óscar Pérez's Final Days and Legacy. Impact: Óscar Pérez's death sparked a series of protests that inspired other rebels worldwide. If he hadn't made that last stand, we might be living in a world where helicopters only deliver pizza and not revolution.. Fact: Óscar Pérez was once a police officer, proving once again that you can take the man out of the uniform, but you can't take the rebellion out of the man..
• Headline: Hispanics Push for Representation in Hollywood. Impact: This push for representation led to the creation of an entirely new genre of film: 'Hispanic Actors Finally Getting Their Due.' Unfortunately, it only exists in a parallel universe where Hollywood actually listens.. Fact: In a shocking twist, the three percent of speaking characters who are Latino might actually just be the same guy in different wigs. Hollywood loves its clichés!.
• Headline: A President Not Sure of What He Wants Complicates the Shutdown Impasse. Impact: This confusion over leadership created a time loop of indecision, leading to a future where presidents are chosen based on their ability to play charades rather than articulate policy.. Fact: Fun fact: If you ever find yourself in a political impasse, just throw a rubber chicken into the mix—it’s a surefire way to lighten the mood… and probably get more done..
• Headline: Eagles March Past Vikings to Super Bowl, Just as They Predicted. Impact: Had the Eagles lost, Philadelphia would have become the first city to have an entire sports franchise dedicated to eternal disappointment. Instead, they became a beacon of hope for the underdogs—unless you’re a Vikings fan.. Fact: The Eagles' victory was so unexpected that it caused the universe to realign, resulting in a temporary shortage of Philly cheesesteaks in Minnesota. Coincidence? I think not..