JANUARY 10, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Coal Baron’s Influence on Trump’s Agenda. Impact: When a coal baron's dreams become a president's to-do list, you can bet the fossil fuels of future generations will be burning in both metaphorical and literal ways. This love affair with coal could have led to a world where we all wear gas masks as a fashion statement.. Fact: Did you know that instead of a 'wish list,' Robert E. Murray could have just sent Trump a giant coal-shaped piñata? It would have been more environmentally friendly and probably more fun..
• Headline: Trump's Immigration Negotiation Broadcast Live. Impact: Public negotiations on immigration played out like a reality TV show, paving the way for future politicians to think that all serious discussions should include a live studio audience. Imagine future lawmakers debating budget cuts with contestants voting on their favorite proposals.. Fact: Did you know that negotiating on-camera isn't just for politicians? Next up: your local dentist will start filming root canals for 'Dental Realities: The Extraction Showdown.'.
• Headline: Tonya Harding's Controversial Legacy. Impact: Tonya Harding's quest for an apology could eventually lead to a world where everyone seeks public validation for their past mistakes, resulting in a global 'Sorry' Day where everyone gathers to collectively grovel. Because nothing says healing like a group hug of regret.. Fact: Did you know Tonya Harding once considered a career in wrestling? Apparently, she thought it might be a good way to 'break the ice' with her rivals..
• Headline: Trump Sidesteps Question on Mueller Interview. Impact: By sidestepping questions about a Mueller interview, Trump set a precedent for future leaders to dodge accountability like it's an Olympic sport. Expect future presidents to answer questions with interpretive dance or shadow puppets.. Fact: Did you know that 'sidestepping' has become the official dance move of American politics? Future presidents might just take up ballroom dancing to practice their evasive maneuvers..
• Headline: Rex Reed Bangs a Gong on the Mediocrity of Modern Life. Impact: Rex Reed's critique of modern mediocrity could lead to a renaissance of culture, where people start to actively seek out quality over quantity. This might ultimately result in a world where everyone suddenly prefers vinyl records over digital, and hipsters rejoice.. Fact: Did you know that if modern life is mediocre, then Netflix’s recommendation algorithm must be the reigning champion of banality? It's like being served a delicious dish made entirely of cardboard..