JANUARY 8, 2018

Full News Archive

• Headline: Flood Maps: A Clash Over Climate and Cash. Impact: The flood maps were so inaccurate that they inadvertently led to the creation of a new underwater city where hipsters could finally escape their student loans and live out their dreams of becoming mermaids. Who knew a little rising water could start a trend?. Fact: FEMA is not just an agency; it's a game show where the stakes are millions of dollars and the contestants are communities at risk. Tune in next week to see who gets flooded out!.
• Headline: Bannon's Ties to Breitbart Under Scrutiny. Impact: This little squabble could lead to the rise of a new political dynasty: The Bannon-Trump Jr. Alliance, where they team up to write self-help books for aspiring right-wing influencers. Just wait until they hit the New York Times Bestseller list!. Fact: Breitbart and Bannon are like two exes who can't quite let go—think of them as political Ross and Rachel. We were on a break!.
• Headline: Jaguars' Defense Shines in Tough Battle. Impact: The Jaguars' defense became so legendary after this game that it inspired a new line of action figures called 'The Stiflers,' who would only tackle bad plays and opposing quarterbacks with excessive flair. The NFL's ratings skyrocketed!. Fact: This game was so ugly it could've been a contestant on a reality show about bad hairstyles. But hey, at least the defense is trying to keep it together!.
• Headline: Recognize That Tune? It’s the Northern Accent of Georgia Football. Impact: Who knew that a fight song could be the catalyst for a revival of Civil War reenactments, but this little ditty sparked a movement of hipster reenactors who only use organic cotton uniforms and artisanal muskets. History has never been so... eco-conscious?. Fact: The 'Battle Hymn of the Republic' has been repurposed so many times that it now has more remixes than a DJ at a wedding. Get ready for the Georgia remix featuring banjos!.
• Headline: Before Glitter and Glue Sticks, ‘Craeft’. Impact: Langlands' book became the secret handbook for a new generation of DIY enthusiasts who think they can build a tiny house out of recycled materials and a dash of Pinterest magic, leading to a national crisis in glue stick shortages. Who knew crafting could be so impactful?. Fact: The term 'craeft' is Old English for 'craft'—but let's be real, if it doesn't involve glitter and glue sticks, does it even count? It's like the hipster version of 'if a tree falls in the woods...'.