DECEMBER 15, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Labor Board Changes Franchise Accountability Standard. Impact: This decision effectively sends workers back to the age of feudalism, where the only thing standing between them and exploitation is a flimsy piece of parchment. Fast forward a few decades, and we'll all be writing our job applications in blood.. Fact: The National Labor Relations Board was originally created to protect workers' rights, but apparently, they just needed a new paint job to look more 'pro-business.'.
• Headline: Serenity in Fiasco's Twelfth Night. Impact: The resurgence of interest in Shakespeare's comedies leads to a spike in Renaissance fairs, which inadvertently results in the rise of people dressing as jesters at modern-day parties. Future historians will scratch their heads, wondering why everyone is quoting 'To be or not to be' at karaoke bars.. Fact: The original 'Twelfth Night' was so popular that it led to a whole genre of mistaken identities, which is now just referred to as 'my entire dating life.'.
• Headline: Soccer Brings Hope to Inmates. Impact: This initiative could eventually lead to the formation of a new league: 'Inmates United,' where prisoners compete for the title of most improved dad. Who knew that soccer could become the key to societal rehabilitation?. Fact: In Italy, soccer isn't just a sport; it's practically a religion. So, when the inmates start scoring goals, they might just achieve saint status!.
• Headline: The New Invincibles? Manchester City Storms Toward Title, and the Record Book. Impact: If Manchester City keeps this up, we might need to start printing their face on currency. In a few years, they could become a global brand, and people will be debating whether to name cities after them instead of historical figures.. Fact: Manchester City once spent so much on players that the local economy threatened to collapse under the weight of all those shiny new cars. Apparently, talent isn't the only thing that gets transferred..
• Headline: No Wild Parties, No Pledging as Universities Crack Down on Fraternity Excesses. Impact: This crackdown could lead to a generation of students who will have to learn how to socialize without beer pong, resulting in a rise in awkward first dates and a potential increase in therapy sessions.. Fact: Fraternities were originally founded to promote brotherhood, but apparently, they turned into glorified party planners. Who knew hazing would become the 'bonding experience' that everyone regrets?.