DECEMBER 9, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trent Franks Resigns Over Surrogacy Scandal. Impact: After Franks' resignation, a new trend of politicians offering bizarre incentives for personal affairs erupted, leading to a surge in bizarre campaign promises. By 2025, 'surrogacy incentives' became a staple in political platforms alongside free pizza on Fridays.. Fact: Did you know that Trent Franks is now considered the poster child for 'how not to negotiate' in political science courses? His approach could be the basis for a new sitcom called 'Surrogacy Shenanigans'..
• Headline: Ohtani's Decision Shakes MLB Landscape. Impact: Ohtani's decision to join the Angels led to a bizarre series of events where Japanese baseball players became the hottest commodity in MLB. By 2023, teams were literally offering sushi bars in their stadiums as a recruiting tool. Fishy, right?. Fact: Did you know that Ohtani's decision made him an instant legend, but also spawned a cult of fans who believe he can single-handedly bring back the ancient art of ninja baseball? No pressure, Shohei!.
• Headline: Hey, ‘Budtender’: Los Angeles’s Power Brokers of Pot Crank Up the Kook. Impact: The rise of LA's 'budtenders' led to a cultural revolution where stoner wisdom became the new philosophy trend. By 2025, universities were offering courses in 'Cannabis Aesthetics' and 'Vaping Ethics'. Who knew enlightenment came with a side of edibles?. Fact: Did you know that 'Budtender' is now a legitimate job title? Forget barista; the future is in weed-infused lattes served by your friendly neighborhood cannabis connoisseur!.
• Headline: Janet Yellen Didn’t Set Out to Be a Feminist Hero. Impact: Yellen's quietly powerful reign sparked a domino effect of women stepping into leadership roles across various sectors. By 2025, banks were run entirely by women, leading to a sharp increase in interest rates and a significant decrease in office cake.. Fact: Did you know Janet Yellen is known in the financial world as 'The Fed's Rock Star'? She’s the only central banker who can sell out a stadium without ever throwing a baseball..