NOVEMBER 13, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cavs Stay Confident Despite Struggles. Impact: If the Cavs had actually cared about the opinions of the public, they might have restructured their entire game strategy, leading to a future where basketball was played with a level of anxiety typically reserved for high-stakes poker. Who knows, they could've started a trend of teams hiring therapists instead of coaches!. Fact: Did you know that LeBron James once scored 61 points in a single game? If only he could score a few more wins this season, maybe the panic would subside..
• Headline: Fox News Surge Amid Controversy. Impact: The rise in ratings at Fox News could have set off a chain reaction leading to an alternate universe where viewers are trained to accept conspiracy theories as daily news. By the time we reach 2040, people might be voting based on TikTok dances instead of policies.. Fact: Fun fact: Fox News was launched in 1996. Clearly, the 'rightward tilt' is just their way of keeping things interesting for the viewers—like a roller coaster, but with more hot air..
• Headline: Trump's Trade Policy Boosts Canadian Lobster Exports. Impact: The boost in Canadian lobster exports could have unintentionally led to a global lobster shortage, causing a culinary crisis in fine dining and an underground movement to raise lobster awareness. Imagine a world where lobsters become the new endangered species!. Fact: Did you know that lobsters can live for over 100 years? If only they knew we were shipping them off instead of inviting them to dinner..
• Headline: Self-Driving Trucks May Be Closer Than They Appear. Impact: The development of self-driving trucks could eventually lead to a world where all trucks are automated, resulting in a massive existential crisis for truck drivers. Future generations may end up reminiscing about the days when they could actually talk to a driver instead of just a GPS voice.. Fact: Did you know that the first self-driving car was tested in the 1980s? Clearly, it took us a few decades to decide that handing over the keys to a robot was a good idea..