SEPTEMBER 24, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Merkel's Historic Victory Amidst Rising Far Right. Impact: Merkel's victory led to years of political stability, which in turn allowed for the rise of far-right factions, who were secretly plotting to replace her with a reality TV star. Spoiler alert: it worked in another parallel universe!. Fact: Merkel is known as the 'Mutti' of Germany. But I guess every country needs a mom who can also balance the budget while dealing with existential threats..
• Headline: Exploring 'Young Sheldon' and Its Humor. Impact: The success of 'Young Sheldon' inadvertently inspired a generation of viewers to embrace their inner nerd, leading to a surge in pocket protectors and an alarming rise in the number of comic book shops.. Fact: In a world where Sheldon Cooper exists, there are probably multiple timelines where he has actually invented a time machine instead of just annoying everyone with trivia..
• Headline: Lionsgate's Bold Blood Drive Protest. Impact: This protest led to a chain reaction of changes in blood donation laws worldwide, eventually resulting in a future where everyone can donate blood regardless of who they love, leading to a significant decrease in the number of vampire-themed reality shows.. Fact: Fun fact: If vampires could donate blood, they'd probably make great contributions to the blood bank. But then again, who'd want to take the risk of a garlic allergy?.
• Headline: Budget Bus Lines Flout the Rules With Little Consequence. Impact: The lack of consequences for budget bus lines created a culture of recklessness that eventually led to the creation of a new reality show called 'Bus Crash Roulette,' which won all the awards for bad taste.. Fact: It's said that budget bus lines are like the wild west of transportation—where the only law is 'get there cheap or die trying.'.
• Headline: Is Trump All Talk on North Korea? The Uncertainty Sends a Shiver. Impact: Trump's rhetoric on North Korea triggered a global game of chicken that escalated tensions, ultimately inspiring a weirdly popular series of action films where world leaders battle it out in a giant arena.. Fact: In an alternate timeline, Trump actually became a diplomat, and the world is now ruled by a council of former reality TV stars. Thank goodness for our timeline, right?.