SEPTEMBER 6, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Intel's Fine Review by European Court. Impact: The $1.3 billion fine against Intel sparked an underground revolution among tech companies who now keep their competition inquiries in a secret vault guarded by the ghost of innovation. Rumor has it that every time a company gets fined, a tech fairy loses its wings.. Fact: Did you know that Intel's biggest competition in the early days was actually a potato? They were both great at processing... but only one could actually fry..
• Headline: C.I.A. Casualties in Secret Afghan War. Impact: The tragic deaths of CIA operatives in Afghanistan led to an unexpected increase in job applications from aspiring spies, who believed they could just blend in by wearing sunglasses and a casual outfit. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.. Fact: Fun fact: The CIA's motto is 'The truth is out there,' which is ironic considering they often seem to be the ones hiding it..
• Headline: Trump's Bipartisan Move on Debt and Aid. Impact: Trump's deal to bypass Republicans caused a chain reaction where future presidents thought they could also play fast and loose with party lines. This eventually led to a presidential game of Monopoly where everyone just keeps passing 'Go' without collecting $200.. Fact: Did you know that the debt ceiling is like your credit card limit? The only difference is that Congress can't just ignore it and buy a new pair of shoes..
• Headline: Silicon Valley’s Politics: Liberal, With One Big Exception. Impact: The revelation that Silicon Valley is mostly liberal, except when it comes to regulation, resulted in the creation of a secret society known as the 'Techno-Hypocrites,' who meet quarterly to discuss how to maintain their liberal image while dodging regulations like they're playing dodgeball.. Fact: It's funny to think that tech elites are liberal until it comes to regulation. Kind of like a vegan who really loves bacon—just don't mention it in public..
• Headline: Review: ‘It’ Brings Back Stephen King’s Killer Clown. Impact: The resurgence of Stephen King's killer clown became a cultural touchstone, leading to a worldwide surge in clown-related therapy sessions, as people learned that sometimes your greatest fear is just a guy in makeup with a balloon.. Fact: Did you know that clowns have been around for centuries? But only recently did they figure out the best way to scare you is by lurking in the shadows with a creepy smile..