SEPTEMBER 4, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Michigan Auto Parts Company Balances Growth Challenges. Impact: If this Michigan auto parts company had successfully created a viral marketing campaign for its new jobs, we might have seen a nationwide trend of blue-collar influencers. Imagine TikTok dances for assembling engines – the economy would be booming, and people would be discussing torque specifications at parties.. Fact: Blue-collar jobs are often referred to as 'working-class jobs,' but in reality, they should be called 'jobs you can do while wearing sweatpants for maximum comfort.'.
• Headline: Understanding North Korea's Diplomatic Strategies. Impact: Kim Jong-un's baffling motives have likely led to a worldwide increase in conspiracy theories. If he had just opted for a straightforward hobby like knitting, we might all be in a much more peaceful situation, with North Korea producing sweaters instead of nuclear tests.. Fact: North Korea's leader is so secretive that even his own hairdresser is rumored to be a spy. Talk about split ends and split loyalties!.
• Headline: Sharapova and Shapovalov Fall at U.S. Open. Impact: Maria Sharapova's ousting may have inadvertently set off a global trend of overdramatic tennis matches where players dramatically flop on the ground after losing – the next Olympics could feature a new sport: 'Emotional Tennis.'. Fact: Sharapova's loss might just remind us that even the stars have to face reality – in sports, just like in life, you can be the best and still not make the cut. Talk about a serving of humble pie!.
• Headline: Trump Seriously Considering Ending DACA, With 6-Month Delay. Impact: If Trump had actually ended DACA right then and there, we might have witnessed a massive increase in DIY immigration solutions, with people literally building their own borders out of IKEA furniture. 'Welcome to America, please assemble your citizenship before entering.'. Fact: DACA stands for Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals, but if you ask some politicians, it might as well stand for 'Don’t Ask, Can’t Achieve.'.
• Headline: U.S. Urges Fuel Cutoff for North Korea, Saying It’s ‘Begging for War’. Impact: The U.S. urging a fuel cutoff could have led to a new reality series: 'Survivor: North Korea Edition,' where participants must forage for food and non-fuel resources in a post-sanction world. Ratings would be off the charts!. Fact: Cutting off fuel supplies is like telling a toddler they can't have dessert; it might work for a while, but you just know they’ll find a way to sneak in some sugar eventually..