AUGUST 22, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's Decision on Afghanistan Troop Surge. Impact: After Trump grilled his generals, a butterfly flapped its wings somewhere in the Pentagon, leading to a bizarre series of events where generals began holding weekly bake sales to fund troop increases. This eventually led to the creation of a new military branch: the Dessert Force.. Fact: Did you know that grilling generals is not on the official list of presidential duties? But hey, it makes for great TV..
• Headline: C.E.O.s and Trump’s Influence Persist. Impact: The business leaders who abandoned Trump’s councils formed a secret society where they only communicate through interpretive dance. This led to a resurgence in both modern dance and corporate espionage, as companies tried to decipher the moves.. Fact: Fun fact: C.E.O.s are known for their impressive boardroom skills, but wait until you see them do the Macarena at a corporate retreat!.
• Headline: Trump's New Strategy for Afghanistan Conflict. Impact: Trump’s vague strategy led to a nationwide trend of people using vague language in everyday life. This resulted in a rise in confusion, particularly in restaurants, where customers began ordering 'some food' instead of actual dishes.. Fact: Did you know that 'vague' is the new buzzword in military strategy? Next up: 'strategic ambiguity' for your next dinner party!.
• Headline: China, Like U.S., Struggles to Revive Industrial Heartland. Impact: China’s struggle to revive its industrial heartland caused a global shortage of 'Made in China' goods, leading to a massive increase in DIY home projects. Crafting became a new Olympic sport, and Shenyang's factories became the new artisanal hubs.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, people will look back on this time and say, 'Who knew industrial decline would turn us all into craft connoisseurs?'.
• Headline: Portugal Dominated Angola for Centuries. Now the Roles Are Reversed.. Impact: Portugal's newfound wealth from Angola led to an unexpected renaissance of fado music, which began to dominate the airwaves. This sparked a worldwide obsession with melancholic ballads about money laundering, creating a new genre called 'Sad Euro Pop.'. Fact: Did you know that 'money laundering' is just the fancy term for cleaning up your finances? Who knew bookkeeping could be so exciting?.