AUGUST 16, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's Controversial Remarks on Charlottesville. Impact: In a bizarre twist of fate, Trump's comments inadvertently inspired a secret society of rogue historians who now believe they must rewrite history by placing neo-Nazi rhetoric in every textbook as a cautionary tale. You know, because that worked out so well.. Fact: Did you know that in an alternate timeline, 'alt-left' actually refers to a group of hipsters who only drink lattes made with ethically sourced, gluten-free, organic beans?.
• Headline: Microsoft's Autonomous Gliders: Adapt and Decide. Impact: Microsoft's gliders not only learned to make decisions on the fly but also developed a penchant for existential crises. They now ponder the meaning of life during turbulence, leading to a new genre of drone poetry.. Fact: Did you know that autonomous gliders are the only form of transport that can make a decision faster than Congress?.
• Headline: In a Body-Positive Moment, Why Does Hollywood Remain Out of Step?. Impact: Hollywood's stubbornness to embrace body positivity caused a parallel universe where studios only cast inflatable dolls in leading roles, creating a new genre of film: 'Inflatable Blockbusters.'. Fact: Did you know that Melissa McCarthy is actually a time traveler? She's here to save Hollywood from itself one laugh at a time..
• Headline: A Start-Up Suggests a Fix to the Health Care Morass. Impact: Aledade’s attempt to fix healthcare led to a nationwide trend of start-ups tackling every societal problem, resulting in a bizarre competition where the winner gets to declare themselves the 'Supreme Overlord of Solutions.'. Fact: Did you know that 'health care morass' is actually a fancy term for the labyrinthine paperwork that makes you question your life choices?.