AUGUST 9, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bill Murray Sees 'Groundhog Day' Musical. Impact: Bill Murray's tears created a ripple effect that eventually led to the invention of waterproof tissue paper for emotional individuals everywhere. Who knew one man's nostalgia could lead to a tissue revolution?. Fact: Bill Murray has been known to improvise on stage, so the tears could have just been a warm-up for his next big role in a never-ending cycle of nostalgia..
• Headline: Disney’s Frozen: From Screen to Stage. Impact: Disney's struggle to keep 'Frozen' fresh led to a series of bizarre marketing decisions, including a Frozen-themed political campaign that had no actual relevance. Because why not take over politics with ice magic?. Fact: If you think about it, 'Let It Go' is the perfect anthem for investors during economic downturns. Just let it go, people!.
• Headline: The Dollar's Decline Amid Political Turmoil. Impact: The dollar's decline set off a chain reaction that eventually led to a worldwide trend of trading in exotic pets. Who needs currency when you can barter a parrot for a loaf of bread?. Fact: At this rate, I fully expect the next financial crisis to be solved by a bake sale and some well-meaning neighbors..
• Headline: Russia Wants Innovation, but It’s Arresting Its Innovators. Impact: Russia's arrest of innovators spurred a secret society of rogue scientists who began meeting in underground bunkers, leading to the creation of bizarre inventions like the self-heating vodka bottle. Necessity truly is the mother of invention!. Fact: If only they knew that innovation doesn't just mean arresting the brainiest folks. It might actually involve listening to them..
• Headline: Deep Divisions Emerge in Trump Administration as North Korea Threatens War. Impact: The internal divisions in Trump's administration led to a secret betting pool on who would last longer: the North Korean regime or the current administration's cohesion. Spoiler alert: it's a close call!. Fact: Trump's administration could have used a good old-fashioned game of 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' to settle differences. At least it would have been less dramatic than threats of fire and fury!.