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HEADLINES ON August 4, 2017
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- Headline: The Economic Impact of Immigrants Explained. Impact: If fewer immigrants had meant more jobs, we would have seen a surge in job applications from dogs, cats, and perhaps even houseplants, since they too would be vying for a spot in a 'more jobs' utopia.. Fact: Did you know that economists often use 'more jobs' as a euphemism for 'we're just guessing'? It's like trying to predict the weather based on a single cloud..
- Headline: Kelly's Military Discipline in the White House. Impact: John Kelly’s imposition of military discipline led to a sudden spike in the number of people applying for jobs as 'White House morale boosters'—a position that, unfortunately, didn’t exist.. Fact: Did you know that imposing military discipline in a civilian setting often results in confused civilians thinking they're in basic training? Spoiler: It's not a great time for a surprise push-up contest..
- Headline: Justice Dept., Under Siege From Trump, Plows Ahead With His Agenda. Impact: The Justice Dept. plowing ahead with Trump's agenda inadvertently led to a nationwide shortage of popcorn, as people everywhere were glued to their screens, eagerly awaiting the next absurd twist in the saga.. Fact: Did you know that the Justice Department operates under the motto 'We do what we want, when we want'? Just kidding, but they might as well..