AUGUST 2, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Justice Dept. Targets College Admissions Practices. Impact: In an alternate timeline, universities faced a sudden surge of applications from a secret society of time travelers who identified as 'white' to exploit loopholes, leading to a drastic re-evaluation of what affirmative action actually meant. Spoiler alert: it involved a lot of very confused historians.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'civil rights' is often followed by a lot of paperwork? It's almost like they want to make things complicated!.
• Headline: Corey Lewandowski's Advisory Firm Controversy. Impact: Lewandowski's firm became the birthplace of a new reality TV show called 'The Real Lobbyists of D.C.', which was canceled after one season due to a lack of actual reality.. Fact: Did you know that mixing business with politics is like mixing oil with water? They both just float around, looking for something to catch fire!.
• Headline: America’s Competitors Angle for Silicon Valley’s Business. Impact: As talent fled Silicon Valley, the U.S. developed a new industry: Virtual Reality 'Silicon Valley Experiences' that allowed people to feel like they were in the tech hub without the actual tech or hub, just a lot of overpriced coffee.. Fact: Did you know that every time a tech worker moves abroad, a Silicon Valley startup founder sheds a single tear? It's a real thing—look it up!.
• Headline: Francine Prose on Finding Art on a Coney Island Scary Ride. Impact: Prose's story inspired a theme park revival where every ride was designed to reflect the struggles of artists, which somehow led to the rise of 'emotional roller coasters' that made riders cry instead of scream.. Fact: Did you know that Coney Island was originally just a beach? Then someone got the bright idea that people would pay to be scared out of their wits!.