AUGUST 1, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Starbucks Expands Rapidly in China. Impact: In a bizarre twist of fate, the proliferation of Starbucks in China led to an unprecedented rise in coffee consumption, resulting in a global caffeine shortage. Consequently, people began to develop superpowers as they tried to cope with their caffeine withdrawals.. Fact: Did you know that Starbucks has more locations in China than in the entire United States? Apparently, there’s a secret menu item exclusively for Chinese customers called 'The Great Wall of Caffeine.'.
• Headline: Russia's Military Drills Heighten NATO Tensions. Impact: These military drills were so effective at raising eyebrows that they accidentally sparked a global trend of 'drill parties,' where nations gathered not for war but to awkwardly sip tea and discuss their feelings about aggression.. Fact: Did you know that military drills are just like a group fitness class for countries? Everyone pretends to be serious while secretly hoping someone brings snacks..
• Headline: Suspicion of Looted Ancient Vase. Impact: The seizure of this vase triggered an international treasure hunt, leading to the discovery of an underground network of ancient art smugglers who were just trying to fund their artisanal coffee shop. The irony would have made historians weep.. Fact: Did you know that this vase was once used to hold olive oil? Imagine the ancient equivalent of a hipster pouring their cold brew into it while discussing the merits of artisanal oils..
• Headline: Oil Companies at Last See Path to Profits After Painful Spell. Impact: The newfound profits led oil executives to invest in bizarre ventures like 'eco-friendly oil' and 'solar-powered fracking,' which only served to confuse the masses while making them feel better about their gas-guzzling lifestyles.. Fact: Did you know that oil companies are basically the ultimate survivalists? They can weather any storm as long as they have a pipeline and a solid PR team!.