JULY 25, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Impact of Drug Tests on Employment Rates. Impact: The drug test dilemma created a paradox where companies became so strict that they accidentally encouraged a rise in 'creative job applications' - a.k.a. resumes written by cats, dogs, and even houseplants. Who knew Fido could code?. Fact: Fun fact: Before drug tests were a thing, you could just show up to a job interview with a pizza and your chances of getting hired would skyrocket. Now, you need a clean urine sample, a background check, and a degree from Hogwarts!.
• Headline: Scaramucci Declares Loyalty to Trump. Impact: Scaramucci branding Trump as his client means we’re one step closer to a reality show called 'The White House: The Real Housewives of Politics' – complete with dramatic exits and shady alliances. Cue the theme music!. Fact: Did you know Scaramucci's name means 'little skirmish' in Italian? How fitting for a man who thrived on drama and conflict, just like a soap opera star but with slightly worse hair!.
• Headline: On Vacation in Greece, and Refusing to Feel Ancient. Impact: This vacation in Greece was mistakenly deemed a 'life-affirming' experience, leading to a global trend of middle-aged people suddenly deciding to become artists, poets, and philosophers, much to the dismay of local coffee shops.. Fact: Did you know that in ancient Greece, philosophers would charge for their wisdom? So, if these women had an ancient Greek equivalent, they’d probably be buying coffee and giving unsolicited life advice in exchange!.
• Headline: In Trump’s World, ‘Very Weak’ Sessions Twists in Wind. Impact: The rift between Trump and Sessions caused such chaos that it inspired a new genre of political thrillers where lawyers become the heroes, battling against their own government. Hollywood took notice and the rest is cinematic history!. Fact: Fun fact: The Justice Department is not just a building; it’s also where dreams go to die... at least the dreams of anyone hoping for a peaceful work environment when your boss is also your biggest critic!.