JULY 9, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pence's Networking with Major Donors. Impact: If Pence's dinner dates with big donors had gone unnoticed, perhaps we would have avoided the rise of an entire genre of political memoirs titled 'The Dinner Diaries.'. Fact: Did you know that dining with donors is just a fancy way of saying 'I’m really hoping you’ll pay for my next campaign'? Bon appétit!.
• Headline: Victory Declared Over ISIS in Mosul. Impact: The victory declaration in Mosul set off a series of events that led to the rise of countless think tank reports and PowerPoint presentations about 'stability in the Middle East.'. Fact: In the aftermath of such conflicts, humanitarian crises are like the unwanted party guests that just won't leave. They always seem to show up uninvited..
• Headline: Rooney's Emotional Return to Everton. Impact: Rooney's return to Everton might have inspired a new trend where aging athletes come back for one last hurrah, leading to the inception of the 'Elderly Sports League.'. Fact: Did you know that Rooney's career is like a fine wine? It gets better with age, but you still can't outrun the inevitable hangover of public opinion..
• Headline: ‘The Cradle Will Rock’ Returns With Its Brazen Politics Intact. Impact: The revival of 'The Cradle Will Rock' may have sparked the creation of a 'political opera' genre, resulting in future performances featuring melodramatic politicians belting out their grievances.. Fact: Fun fact: Opera is just like politics—lots of drama, high notes, and everyone pretending they understand what's going on..
• Headline: News Outlets to Seek Bargaining Rights Against Google and Facebook. Impact: The news outlets' quest for bargaining rights might have inadvertently inspired tech companies to create a new 'don't take our advertising' feature for their platforms.. Fact: Did you know that asking Congress for bargaining rights is like asking a lion to share its prey? Good luck with that!.